My weight loss....Or not. (Postd 2008)

First of all, let me give you a disclaimer: I will joke/poke fun/ridicule myself in this blog. I do the same thing in person. I do not have low self-esteem, nor am I fishing for compliments. I am simply a girl who is pretty comfortable with herself and has a knack for self-deprecating humor. Ok, so no comments to "pep me up" or argue with me about my big butt...I KNOW it is a big butt and I am fine with it...mostly.

That said, I will now tell you a story. My 7 year old is a super-sensitive gal. She "confesses" something almost every night: talking on the bus when she shouldn't be, tapping her crayon on the grey school carpet to see if it will leave a mark if she taps "really lightly"...you get the point. Well, one night she was particularly bothered by something that she refused to reveal to me. She only wanted to talk to her daddy. I was a little surprised by this as I am usualy on the receiving end of her soul cleansing. But whatever, it let me off the hook for the night.

My husband came downstairs a few minutes later and looked a little "flushed" (and maybe a little amused). I asked him what her confession was and he hem-hawed around until he finally said "She thinks you have a big butt". I was a little taken aback by this. I mean I KNEW I had a big butt...I know I wear a size 14 (a tight 12 if I really try and there is some stretch mixed in with the cotton) jeans, but was this really confession-worthy? I head upstairs because I can still hear my little guilt-ridden lady sobbing. I crawl in next to her and tell her that I know she thinks I have a big butt and that this is ok. She replies that she feels guilty because she knows it is what is INSIDE that matters and I have a beautiful inside...and she went on to say that I had a beautiful outside too, but just a big butt. She didn't think she should have these thoughts. I had a talk with her about how this was simply OBSERVATION and you can't help what you observe as long as you don't comment on it. She seems settled and I headed downstairs...to the treadmill.

This begins the journey of weight loss for me. I have tried (sometimes successfully and sometimes unsuccessfully) to lose weight in the past and I eventually my lost pounds return. I can never figure out why. Well, THIS time I am on it...I am going to lose some of my big butt (not too much mind you...my husband likes a girl with some junk in her trunk) and keep it off so I can ease my daughter's conscience. This is my mindset. I am on it. I can do it...

That was 4 weeks ago. I have had little to no success. I have eaten more protein than I care to remember and I have been drinking just ask much (the shakes are NOT pleasant, but yet I sacrifice). I am trying to eat 1500 calories, 150 carbs and 150 grams of protein. I journal. I deprive myself. My scale never changes. My friends said "Oh, you must be gaining muscle"...tough to do if you don't exercise. So, maybe that IS the problem. I really am not big on exercise. In my brain I wear nice work-out clothes and pop in my iPod earbuds...I hop on outside and run...Problem is I don't own ONE pair of sweatpants nor do I really like sneakers...they make me short. And, as I have discovered, you can't run so well in 3 inch heels. (We won't even get into my issues with sports bras)So, where does that leave me? I just am not sure. I bought a dvd just a few months ago. It was Carmen Electra's "Strip tease aerobics". I thought this was a great concept...learn a little something while burning the calories. It is still in the cellophane. It intimidates me. I am not the most coordinated individual in the world. I am a really good dancer...when I have had some drinks. There is a reason I haven't taken ballroom dancing. I just don't think I am coordinated enough. And striptease? WOW...that is BIG step. I am going to work up to it. That video haunts me from my counter. I WILL do it...I think I can do it without sneakers. I have to find a time to do it thought...can't be practicing the old bedroom dancing with the young'uns around, right? I really am going to take off the cellophane...tomorrow.

Meanwhile, let's analyze dieting: In my world it just doesn't work. I research only to discover that protein is good (but watch out for tuna because it will give you mercury poisoning and your hair will fall out...what is the point of being skinny if you are bald?), carbs are bad although the latest experts I have heard from (like last week on the Today show) say that carbs, especially the potatoes are helpful in dieting. Low-fat is bad because there is too much sugar. Sugar substitutes are bad because they make you hungry. You need lots of fiber, but watch the grains because they have the always forbidden carbs. Water is good...everybody agrees on that. Everything causes cancer...soy, sugar substitutes, diet soda (which also, I guess, turns into like cyanide in your guts)...you name it. So, with all this information I have decided that this is the diet plan I should follow: No carbs except potatoes, high protein foods (except tuna...and steak and most breakfast meats...oh and lunch meats...so basically: eat organic chicken only with your potatoes), fiber...but low carb fiber, please. And no sugar, soy, sugar substitutes and carbs. Be careful of fruit...you may think that eating fruit all the time is healthy, but you are confused my friend, although fruit is a rockin' source of fiber there are carbs in fruit so put down the bananas.


How can ANYONE lose weight with these conflicting messages? But, people do. I am going to keep on working to be one of THOSE people...you know, the ones whose kids DON'T lose sleep over the size of their mother bottoms? That will be me...it just might take a little more time (in sneakers) than I thought it would. For now, I will continue to blame the chocolate smell.